BROKEN: Relationships (Divorce)

[Read Mark 10:1-12]

What’s it like to be a parent? I bet you will answer that question differently depending on the day…lol. Somedays, it is a joy and delight and a blessing. Other days, it feels very different—more like a burden, a chore, a frustration, etc. I think raising children is one of the hardest things we will ever do. 

Here’s my question this morning—a question that may startle you a little bit.  Have you ever really considered walking away from your children? Have you ever come to the point of saying, “This is so hard and so unrewarding and so impossible, I’m going to walk away”? Of course that does happen, and has happened, however, it’s never been acceptable in our society, has it? It’s always been highly looked down upon. Why? Because there’s a natural covenant between a parent and child, a commitment to provide for and care for this child not matter how hard it is and not matter how “unrewarding it is.” And that covenant has always been recognized by society. 

What’s interesting—or maybe I should say disturbing—is that other covenants have lost that place in our society. In particular, we’re going to talk about the covenant of marriage. Why is it culturally unacceptable to walk away from the covenant with our children, but completely culturally acceptable to walk away from our covenant with our spouse? It doesn’t make any sense. 

Jesus has a conversation about this with the Pharisees. They keep trying to trap him and give him some PR problems—or cause him to speak improperly so they have a better reason to throw him in jail or kill him. So they ask him a question that could easily get him into trouble. They ask, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” (Mark 10:2, ESV). This is just another way of asking, “Can I get away with divorcing my wife” OR—to tie this to last week’s message—“How far is too far?” It’s a bad question. 

I love how Jesus responds to their attempt to trap him. He actually sets a trap for them. He asks them a question that he knows the answer to. He asks, “What did Moses command you?” (Mark 10:3, ESV). It’s not like Jesus didn’t know what Moses commanded. He knew full well the answer, but he was setting them up and pointing out that they are asking a bad question. 

They proudly tell Jesus what they know of the Law of Moses, saying, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.” (Mark 10:4, ESV). Moses allowed divorce. 

Now that the trap has been set, Jesus begins to help them see things more clearly. He’s helping them see that they are asking a bad question. He begins by pointing out something important: “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.” (Mark 10:5, ESV). This is how Jesus tells them they’re asking a bad question. He rebukes them for trusting in the law of Moses to understand this point. Sure, Moses allowed for divorce but that doesn’t mean it is good or even that it’s alright. The only reason Moses allowed for divorce was because he was dealing with a stubborn and rebellious people, trying to point them toward something better. And I think Jesus is even insinuating to the Pharisees that only a stubborn and rebellious people would be asking this question—kind of like last week’s message, only a stubborn and rebellious people continually ask, “How far is too far?” 

After Jesus rebukes them, he begins to point them in the right direction. In order to ask a better question, they had to look farther back than the Law of Moses. They had to look all the way back to creation—to the way God has designed things to be. As a short interlude, this is why we spent five weeks looking at the way God has designed our sexuality. God’s creational design trumps parts of the Mosaic Law. That’s what Jesus is saying here. Moses had to make some allowances for the stubborn and rebellious people he was leading, but God didn’t put those allowances into his creational design. So, in order to understand these things better, we need to go back to creation and understand the way God created and designed marriage. 

The first thing we need to remember is that God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18, ESV). As I’ve been reminding us every week, we’ve been created to be in relationship with God and with other people. And the fundamental relationship God created to solve this problem is the relationship between husband and wife. 

Then, Jesus reminds us that, “God made them male and female.” (Mark 10:6, ESV). Again, it is fundamental to marriage that God created them male and female. Jesus points this out when he says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.” (Mark 10:7–8, ESV). I’ll say this as subtly as possible, they cannot become “hold fast” to one another and become “one flesh” unless they are male and female. That’s required. 

Again, I think we’ve really misunderstood this passage over the years—especially the phrase “one flesh.” When you hear the phrase “one flesh” I bet most of you immediately think about a husband and wife being united in their soul, don’t you? That’s what the majority of people think. Yet, why would we ever think that when it explicitly says “flesh”? It’s because we’ve slowly downplayed the body and overemphasized the soul. But we can’t do that, can we? We’ve been created Body and Soul. And that means when a husband and wife are united in marriage, they are united body and soul and we cannot separate those or try to emphasize one over the other. That’s what Jesus is talking about when he says they are no longer two, but one flesh. They’ve been joined body and soul. 

That also means that a husband and wife are not a team. They aren’t even two separate people anymore. Jesus explicitly says, “So they are no longer two but one flesh.” (Mark 10:8, ESV). They are no longer two, but one. Husbands and wives are not a team. They are one. They are completely united to each other in body and soul. 

I want to briefly point out one more thing before we move on. Notice what Jesus says about the relationship between parents and our spouse. He says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife…” (Mark 10:7, ESV). You leave your parents to be united to your spouse. That doesn’t mean you no longer honor your parents, but that does mean that your spouse is more of your priority and focus than your parents. That means you cannot allow your parents to separate you from your spouse. That means if you are forced to choose, you choose your spouse because you are one with them. 

And here’s the Why and the How behind your oneness with your spouse, Jesus said that God has joined you together: “What therefore God has joined together… (Mark 10:9, ESV). On your wedding day, you make vows to each other AND you make vows to God. And as you make those vows to God and each other, God does something beyond our comprehension. He makes two into one—one flesh, united body and soul. You don’t do this work. Your vows don’t do this work. God does it. On that day, God joins you together body and soul.  

That’s why Jesus says, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:9, ESV). That’s pretty blunt and to the point. What God has joined, do not separate. Don’t do it. Don’t put it on the table. Don’t talk about it. Don’t do it. 

I can almost hear the “but, but, buts” coming from people’s minds. What about this situation? What about this circumstance? What about this or that or the other thing? Those are the same types of questions the Pharisees were asking: Is it lawful in this case or that case or that one? So, I want to answer the way Jesus answered by saying: From the beginning of creation, God designed them male and female, and united them body and soul, till death do they part. God has made them one. Who actually thinks they have the right and the authority and the power to separate something God has joined together? 

Are you willing to stand before God and say, “I know you made us one and told us to stay that way, but I think you’re wrong and I’m going to separate what you’ve joined together.” Now, I know that sounds harsh—and I don’t want to be harsh because I know how deep these wounds can go—but I think we need to see the situation clearly. That’s what we’re saying when we talk about getting a divorce. We’re telling God that we’re going to do something he said cannot be done. We’re telling God that we’re going to undo something that he has done. We’re going to uncreate something he created. 

Now, I realize this sounds harsh because people are thinking about divorce—or have gone through a divorce—because they’ve experienced or are experiencing tremendous hurt and pain in their marriage. They’re hurting and want to find a way to stop the hurt. One commentator said that the closeness of marriage can either create a happiness that is greater than anything else on earth, or a misery that is greater than anything else on earth. I think we all acknowledge that. Marriages often are filled with difficulty and pain and anger and frustration and heartbreak. And, when marriages become characterized by these things, people start looking for a way out because they are tired of hurting. 

Here’s the problem, though. Divorce isn’t going to solve the problem. It’s actually going to make things worse because you can’t safely separate something that’s been made one. John Calvin said, “He who divorces his wife tears from him, as it were, the half of himself” (378). And to make sure we understand the hurt that results from divorce, unless they get back together, they walk around for the rest of their life with half of themself missing. We need to understand this. Divorce doesn’t actually solve the problem and it doesn’t actually take the hurt away. It just makes it permanent. 

I’m sure some of you have watched the movie, Fireproof. It’s about a husband and wife going through a tough time, and contemplating divorce. At one point in the movie, the husband is talking to a friend about getting a divorce. The friend takes some superglue and glues together the plastic salt and pepper shaker. He tells his friend that if he tries to separate the two, one will break. 

While that’s a decent analogy, it’s not quite accurate. Because God hasn’t just joined the salt and better shaker together. He has made them one. We need to get this through our heads. In marriage, we are not two people joined together. We are one. So, a better analogy of divorce is trying to rip a teddy bear apart. It’s going to be messy and it’s not going to end well. Everything will be destroyed and damaged in the process. 

I think it’s important to recognize that most divorces—or those who are considering divorce—are the result of many years of sinful actions and attitudes. That’s just true. And, after counseling numerous couples who’ve had struggling marriages, I can also confidently say that the sinful actions and attitudes are coming from both parties. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, both parties are guilty of sinful actions and behaviors. However, while sinful actions are at the root cause of divorce or the consideration of divorce, another sinful decision isn’t going to make things better. It will only continue—or speed up—the downward spiral. We all know the common phrase: two wrongs don’t make a right. Along the same lines, a sinful action/decision never fixes another sinful action/decision. 

I want to move onto the final part of this passage, but I don’t want to spend too much time on it this morning. I want to make sure we understand the principle, but I want to move on to other areas. At the end of this passage, Jesus teaches us something that makes many people pretty angry. He says, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:11–12, ESV). Here’s the core principle that Jesus is teaching in this passage: Not all divorces are divorces. Or, to say it another way, not all “legal” divorces are considered divorces in God’s eyes. Sometimes people may be “legally” divorced, but in God’s eyes they’re still married—that’s why they are committing adultery if they marry another person. I realize I should spend some more time on this—and maybe we will at another time—but the only clear allowance for divorce in scripture is adultery. That’s really the only one. And, I want to make this clear, even then, divorce isn’t required or even recommended. It’s simply allowed.

I realize I could be opening a can of worms by not spending more time on this part of the sermon, but it’s the time we have. I realize there are nuances and arguments that can be made and that every situation is different. I get all of that. Trust me, I’ve worked with numerous messed up marriages. However, here’s the point that Jesus and Scripture make repeatedly: Divorce never makes things better and it doesn’t glorify God. 

The solution is simple—maybe seen as overly simple for those who are struggling in their marriage at the moment. Love your spouse. To put it bluntly—and yes I talk to myself this way—get over yourself and love your spouse. That’s the solution. 

I don’t remember where I heard this story, and I’m not even sure if it’s a true story, but it’s a good story nonetheless. A man came to a pastor to discuss his failing marriage. After talking to the pastor for quite a while about how difficult and unloving his wife was, the pastor opened his Bible and said, “Scripture tells us to love our wives.” The man responded, “Well pastor, I didn’t want to bring this up, but things have been so bad lately that my wife moved out and is living with some friends down the street.” The pastor flipped to another page in his Bible and said, “Well, Scripture tells us to love our neighbor.” The man responded, “Pastor, I didn’t want to get this blunt with you, but this woman is miserable. I don’t think you realize how angry and mean and unloving she’s been to me. Sometimes I feel like I hate her.” The pastor flipped to another portion of his bible and said, “Well, even if that’s true, Scripture tells us to love our enemy.” The point is love your spouse, even when it’s hard, even when it doesn’t feel good, even when you don’t feel like it. It doesn’t matter. Love your spouse. 

Elsewhere in scripture it makes this same point in a different way. It says, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” (Ephesians 5:28–30, ESV). Why should husbands love their wives and wives love their husbands? Because they are one. And because they are one flesh—they’ve been united body and soul—they should love the other person like they love their own body—because they are one. The point is nobody actually hates and abuses their body. We all love our bodies in particular ways. We make sure our bodies are well fed and nourished. We make sure our bodies are bandaged up and when their wounded. We make sure our bodies are protected from dangerous events and circumstances.

And, as this passage reminds us, we need to make sure we care for our spouse in the same way—BECAUSE we are one flesh. So, we need to make sure our spouse is well nourished in body and soul. We need to make sure our spouse is bandaged up after being wounded body and soul. We need to do our best to protect our spouse—body and soul—from dangerous events and circumstances. We need to do these things because God has commanded us to do these things, but also because we are one with them. So, love your spouse and care for them in that way and that will go a long way toward keeping your marriage healthy OR beginning to make your marriage healthy once again. 

There’s one final thing we need to keep in mind when we talk about divorce. It’s the fact that God understands divorce much better than any of us. If you take a moment to read through the Old Testament, you will see repeated reference after repeated reference to God’s people separating themselves from God, trying to divorce themselves from God, committing adultery against God with every other nation and god in the area. God clearly knows what it feels like to be betrayed and abandoned by someone he has made commitments to. Yet, God has also promised that he will never leave us nor forsake us. Even though we constantly leave God and forsake God, he has promised he won’t return the favor. He will remain faithful and will continually call us back to himself. And since God knows the effects and feelings of divorce better than we do, we should trust him when he tells us that it doesn’t make anything better. 

Rather, we read in Ephesians 5: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:32, ESV). Marriage refers to Christ and the church. Our marriages—the way we treat each other and care for each other and provide for each other—was designed to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. That’s the standard. When we look at the way Christ provides for us and protects us and self-sacrificially lays down his life for us, that’s the picture we’re called to follow in our marriages.

And, when we’ve messed up or treated our spouse wrongly or done something stupid or made a wrong decision in the past, we know that we can always turn away from that sinful decision, grab hold of Christ, trust that his life and death and resurrection are enough to cleanse us from all our sins, and then walk in the newness of life he offers us. We can do this with confidence because we know that we serve a faithful Savior, who is abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, and he has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.

Let us live in that comfort. Let that comfort change our marriages and the way we treat our spouse. May we be able to look at our spouse and say, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.”